Check You Out!

With the holiday shopping season reaching its peak, I find myself having more and more encounters with a true nemesis of mine: the dreaded cashier.

Since I can’t avoid them as that would be called stealing, perhaps a helpful list of tips would help make my life a little less dreary. Here goes:

-Please, please, please do not engage in long conversations with me. “Hi” and “thank you for shopping with us” is pretty much all I can take. I’ll elaborate as we go further down this list, but this is a critical concept.*

-Do not ask me for an ID. It’s such a hassle to be asked when buying alcohol and lengthens my time at the register. Do you see me wearing a Hollister t-shirt? I know it’s the law but it still blows. Oh and hey kids, if you wear a tie, you’ll never be asked for identification. Well, unless you’re not white. Sorry.

-Do not ask me about the items that I’m purchasing. At a grocery store, if I put those chips on the conveyer belt, they’re either good or someone told me they’re good. As such, it doesn’t really make any sense for you to ask me how they taste. What am I going to say, no but I’m using them later to poison the neighbor? This point is emphasized for those late night trips to the porn store.

-Do not tell me you’re going to school and working part-time. Much like a stripper, you’re either lying or never going to finish so don’t even bother disappointing me and your family.

-Don’t ask me if I want to sign up for your store’s credit card. Like most people, I saw the ad but want to avoid bankruptcy.

-Going back to conversations, it’s strange when they ask how my day was. Cashiers should realize that it could have been awful for all they know and I just came in to buy flowers for the funeral. Probably not a good thing to bring up. What’s even worse is when you ask how their day was and they say it was miserable. What do you say to that? “Hey….uh, buddy…you want to talk about it when you’re off this shift? I guess I’ll just wait here with a crossword puzzle for a few hours.”

If cashier stores across the land could follow these basic guidelines, I’m fairly certain that we would have worldwide nuclear disarmament by this time next year.

*If you’re an attractive female cashier, please disregard all these requests and by all means, make all the conversation you can with me. I need it for my self-esteem.

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All I Want 4 XXX-Mas

Sorry, I apologize if my spelling of Christmas was misleading in any way.

This year there really isn’t one thing that I’d like for the Holidays. Rather, I have a short list of what I don’t want:

-More sickly, infirm Portland Trail Blazers.

For all the talk of the future, it seems clear to me that the current team, even if we just look at its nucleus, is never going to take us to the NBA Finals. I’m not talking about this year or the year after, I’m talking about at any point in the next five years.

If you look at teams like Cleveland and LA, they load their rosters with not only superstars but a strong supporting cast. The Blazers have year after year after year been about “the future.” Whether it was Stoudamire and Sheed smoking the Debbie Greens in a Hummer, or Greg Oden giving “Rip City” a new meaning, crop after crop of players have continued to fail. What do we have to show that our current group is any different? I’ve seen fewer sore backs and wonky knees at my local retirement home than at an average day at the Rose Garden.

Please Mr. Allen, check with your bank if you need to remember how rich you are. Why can’t we get LeBron or Dwayne? You know, actual superstars. Again, if you look at teams that have won championships, their common thread is that they have had superstars. The Spurs had Duncan, the Lakers had Kobe and Shaq, the Celtics had Garnett, Pierce and Allen. The Blazers? We have a guy with a Swiss cheese heart, a frail failure, two or three nobody point guards, six or seven Europeans who are probably here to deal ecstasy , Joel “What Stats?” Pryzbilla, and poor Brandon Roy, who can’t be expected to do it all himself.

-Greeting cards.

Unlike this lady, I don’t care for greeting cards. Am I 90 years old? Does anyone, even at that age, keep cards? If I were to keep cards, when would I re-read them? I assume it would be during a future birthday, for which no one showed up. Sunken in an abyss of darkness, I would chuckle one more time at the bikini model joke before pulling the trigger….sorry, I went too far.

Please friends, if you want to say something to me, text, call or e-mail me. Do not pester me with a card as a substitute for an actual present. Either get me something or just show up empty-handed so I can hate you forever.

-Practical gifts for guys. These can be anything related to grooming such as a new electric razor or a jacket. These gifts were lame when I was a kid and do not get better over time. Practical gifts are not a fine wine or a sharp cheddar at the back of Whole Foods. Rather, they state that the giver hates me and cowers at my inability to take care of basic grooming-related needs. Happy Holidays to you too Pluto dick!

-Christian Children’s Fund donation

Come on, look closer and you can see the wrinkles. These “kids” are probably 45 year olds that also run “Cash 4 Gold” out of the same PO Box.

Dress to Impress

Fat women who wear clothes that are too tight. I realize that they may in fact be buying the largest size they can find and/or afford, but it still bothers me.

Hawaiian shirts when not in Hawaii or at all really. Have you noticed that actual Hawaiians never wear these?

Dressing down for a wedding or a funeral. Really? You can’t put on slacks for grandma?

 

Baseball caps (especially backwards) in classy downtown bars and restaurants. It will become obvious to everyone soon enough that you never went to college so don’t add further insult by wearing a hat from a school you never stepped foot in.

For that matter, baseball caps with stickers on them. This is not “gangster” but a sad attempt at looking cool while being able to return your hat to Just Sports on your next mall trip.

White male office managers who only wear three colors of dress shirts: white, pale blue, and a different type of pale blue. The office is drab enough without your help, thank you.

People who have the dress shirts with the collar buttons. Do you really think the tie will fall off or something without them?

People who wear small glasses for reading and then gaze at you when they’re talking instead of removing their glasses. These pricks always looked pissed and busy, but they’re only the former.

Cell phone holder. This looks terrible. You’re not getting a call dickeroo. If you wear these, you will look like a nerdy Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor.

Male joggers in really small shorts. I know it helps with the actual jogging but if I want to have a gay experience, I’d like for it to at least have a happy ending. Instead, I just see your gross chicken legs while knowing that only a quarter inch of fabric protects me from a view of your shriveled balls.

Naked. As it was covered on “Seinfeld,” there is no good naked if it’s not sexual. Do not grind coffee naked. No one wants to see you re-organize the closet naked. Do not even attempt to surprise your loved one already naked.

Victoria’s Secret was made for this exact reason. If a woman is home waiting for her man in lingerie, that’s a sexy thing. But if she’s waiting for him completely naked, she’s a whore. A fun whore, but a whore nonetheless. Ray’s mom does this to me all the time!