Dress to Impress

Fat women who wear clothes that are too tight. I realize that they may in fact be buying the largest size they can find and/or afford, but it still bothers me.

Hawaiian shirts when not in Hawaii or at all really. Have you noticed that actual Hawaiians never wear these?

Dressing down for a wedding or a funeral. Really? You can’t put on slacks for grandma?

 

Baseball caps (especially backwards) in classy downtown bars and restaurants. It will become obvious to everyone soon enough that you never went to college so don’t add further insult by wearing a hat from a school you never stepped foot in.

For that matter, baseball caps with stickers on them. This is not “gangster” but a sad attempt at looking cool while being able to return your hat to Just Sports on your next mall trip.

White male office managers who only wear three colors of dress shirts: white, pale blue, and a different type of pale blue. The office is drab enough without your help, thank you.

People who have the dress shirts with the collar buttons. Do you really think the tie will fall off or something without them?

People who wear small glasses for reading and then gaze at you when they’re talking instead of removing their glasses. These pricks always looked pissed and busy, but they’re only the former.

Cell phone holder. This looks terrible. You’re not getting a call dickeroo. If you wear these, you will look like a nerdy Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor.

Male joggers in really small shorts. I know it helps with the actual jogging but if I want to have a gay experience, I’d like for it to at least have a happy ending. Instead, I just see your gross chicken legs while knowing that only a quarter inch of fabric protects me from a view of your shriveled balls.

Naked. As it was covered on “Seinfeld,” there is no good naked if it’s not sexual. Do not grind coffee naked. No one wants to see you re-organize the closet naked. Do not even attempt to surprise your loved one already naked.

Victoria’s Secret was made for this exact reason. If a woman is home waiting for her man in lingerie, that’s a sexy thing. But if she’s waiting for him completely naked, she’s a whore. A fun whore, but a whore nonetheless. Ray’s mom does this to me all the time!