Check You Out!

With the holiday shopping season reaching its peak, I find myself having more and more encounters with a true nemesis of mine: the dreaded cashier.

Since I can’t avoid them as that would be called stealing, perhaps a helpful list of tips would help make my life a little less dreary. Here goes:

-Please, please, please do not engage in long conversations with me. “Hi” and “thank you for shopping with us” is pretty much all I can take. I’ll elaborate as we go further down this list, but this is a critical concept.*

-Do not ask me for an ID. It’s such a hassle to be asked when buying alcohol and lengthens my time at the register. Do you see me wearing a Hollister t-shirt? I know it’s the law but it still blows. Oh and hey kids, if you wear a tie, you’ll never be asked for identification. Well, unless you’re not white. Sorry.

-Do not ask me about the items that I’m purchasing. At a grocery store, if I put those chips on the conveyer belt, they’re either good or someone told me they’re good. As such, it doesn’t really make any sense for you to ask me how they taste. What am I going to say, no but I’m using them later to poison the neighbor? This point is emphasized for those late night trips to the porn store.

-Do not tell me you’re going to school and working part-time. Much like a stripper, you’re either lying or never going to finish so don’t even bother disappointing me and your family.

-Don’t ask me if I want to sign up for your store’s credit card. Like most people, I saw the ad but want to avoid bankruptcy.

-Going back to conversations, it’s strange when they ask how my day was. Cashiers should realize that it could have been awful for all they know and I just came in to buy flowers for the funeral. Probably not a good thing to bring up. What’s even worse is when you ask how their day was and they say it was miserable. What do you say to that? “Hey….uh, buddy…you want to talk about it when you’re off this shift? I guess I’ll just wait here with a crossword puzzle for a few hours.”

If cashier stores across the land could follow these basic guidelines, I’m fairly certain that we would have worldwide nuclear disarmament by this time next year.

*If you’re an attractive female cashier, please disregard all these requests and by all means, make all the conversation you can with me. I need it for my self-esteem.

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