Sorry, I apologize if my spelling of Christmas was misleading in any way.
This year there really isn’t one thing that I’d like for the Holidays. Rather, I have a short list of what I don’t want:
-More sickly, infirm Portland Trail Blazers.
For all the talk of the future, it seems clear to me that the current team, even if we just look at its nucleus, is never going to take us to the NBA Finals. I’m not talking about this year or the year after, I’m talking about at any point in the next five years.
If you look at teams like Cleveland and LA, they load their rosters with not only superstars but a strong supporting cast. The Blazers have year after year after year been about “the future.” Whether it was Stoudamire and Sheed smoking the Debbie Greens in a Hummer, or Greg Oden giving “Rip City” a new meaning, crop after crop of players have continued to fail. What do we have to show that our current group is any different? I’ve seen fewer sore backs and wonky knees at my local retirement home than at an average day at the Rose Garden.
Please Mr. Allen, check with your bank if you need to remember how rich you are. Why can’t we get LeBron or Dwayne? You know, actual superstars. Again, if you look at teams that have won championships, their common thread is that they have had superstars. The Spurs had Duncan, the Lakers had Kobe and Shaq, the Celtics had Garnett, Pierce and Allen. The Blazers? We have a guy with a Swiss cheese heart, a frail failure, two or three nobody point guards, six or seven Europeans who are probably here to deal ecstasy , Joel “What Stats?” Pryzbilla, and poor Brandon Roy, who can’t be expected to do it all himself.
-Greeting cards.
Unlike this lady, I don’t care for greeting cards. Am I 90 years old? Does anyone, even at that age, keep cards? If I were to keep cards, when would I re-read them? I assume it would be during a future birthday, for which no one showed up. Sunken in an abyss of darkness, I would chuckle one more time at the bikini model joke before pulling the trigger….sorry, I went too far.
Please friends, if you want to say something to me, text, call or e-mail me. Do not pester me with a card as a substitute for an actual present. Either get me something or just show up empty-handed so I can hate you forever.
-Practical gifts for guys. These can be anything related to grooming such as a new electric razor or a jacket. These gifts were lame when I was a kid and do not get better over time. Practical gifts are not a fine wine or a sharp cheddar at the back of Whole Foods. Rather, they state that the giver hates me and cowers at my inability to take care of basic grooming-related needs. Happy Holidays to you too Pluto dick!
-Christian Children’s Fund donation
Come on, look closer and you can see the wrinkles. These “kids” are probably 45 year olds that also run “Cash 4 Gold” out of the same PO Box.
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2 comments:
Now that Greg Oden is done injuring all his knees he should be good to go in the coming season with his two robot knees. It's not like he has a third knee to injure, right? Right!
Brandon Roy is our superstar player, without the superstar attitude. Kobe, Shaq, and LeBron are dicks. We don't need their shit.
I think we have a very good bench.
Rudy Fernandez is THE SHIT! Who cares if he's here to deal ecstasy?
Pryz is an excellent backup for Oden and I think he can step up now that Oden is injured.
And Bayless has beautifully groomed eyebrows.
I am still a Blazer believer.
All that being said, I hope you enjoy the pube trimmer I got you for Guy-Hanukah.
Don't get me a pube trimmer dude because your mom likes to shave it herself. What?
Brandon is really good but let's face it, he's not as talented as Kobe, LeBron, or D-Wade. If that wasn't the case, then why is he doing commercials for shoe pad places in Tualatin while those guys are all over the Nike ads?
Rudy had some good moments last season but is he even a consistent starter? Come on.
Pryz is an excellent back up and could even start but what he done in all his years here? Look, I'm not going to say that his locker room hand jobs are not without purpose but the guy simply needs to contribute some sort of statistic, be it points, rebounds, or blocks.
Bayless is a little bitch. I haven't seen a guy as useless as this since seeing a paramedic at a donkey show.
I hope you enjoy the Tiffany's friendship bracelet I got you for Guy Hanukkah this year.
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