Brand Sycophants

As we all sit at home watching NFL football while eating like gelatinous tapeworms, the pressure of holiday shopping draws near. Before any of us put our pants on to go the stores, let’s first examine some charlatans in the marketplace. These are the brands that are simply overrated and in some cases, unnecessary. My nominees are…

Louis Vuitton and Coach

Luis Vuitton makes purses and handbags that all have the same design on them. These are then sold for hundreds or thousands of dollars. Ladies, guys don’t care what type of purse you have. It just doesn’t matter. Sure, we’ll be spooked if you have a glow in the dark one or if it contains any trace of a zebra pattern, but really doesn’t matter. Hell, if you want to spend a lot of money, put it to use on bras. I’m just sayin.’

I realize that women also buy designer goods to get other women jealous but think about this for a minute. Why would you purposely ruin your own financial well being to piss some off? Do you think they’ll stay that way for long, or just brush it off a minute later? This doesn’t make any bloody sense.

If you look at suitcases, I have to bring up the question of why anyone would pay so much to carry their luggage. If you’re like me, you typically dirty your clothes while traveling. Hell, you may even soil them, especially with all the long lines at the rest rooms. You can carry that crap in a plastic bag.

Ladies, I employ you to save cash on your purse and luggage by buying something at Nordstrom’s for a lot less.

Oh, and Coach is listed here since they just seem to be a cheaper knock off of the same shit.

Acura and Lexus

These are the cars that cretins who don’t know anything about cars purchase when they make it rich. But have you ever sat in one of these? Lexus shares parts with the lowly Toyota Corolla and some Acuras are as cramped as a Honda Fit. Hell, the Acura TSX is simply the European market Honda Accord.  If you have money to spend on a nice ride, get a real car, not the one your accountant recommended.

Euro Honda Accord                                          U.S. Acura TSX

Euro Big Mac                        U.S. Kobe 48 oz. steak

For that matter, why do people buy cars based on re-sale value? If you don’t buy it to begin with, you have made an excellent investment in that area.

Nike

Does anyone care about Nike anymore? When I was a kid, you would get your tonsils removed on the playground if you didn’t have Nike sneakers. Now we have all these other choices: Under Armor, Reebok, adidas, Converse, bare feet (Alberta Street only though), and a ton of designer shoes like Diesel.

Sure, the boys from Beaverton still try with their fancy ads of Lebron James building a pyramid or Michael Jordan dunking on a white version of himself, but again, who cares? These days, I can’t tell these ads apart from the identical Gatoraide ads, which have the same feel and feature virtually the same athletes.

I like to work out from time to time but like most people, it’s not my profession so I don’t care that these guys work so hard to be good and that somehow, Nike helps. I’ve worn Nikes and they don’t do anything more or less than your body can. Unless you have a serious arch issue with you feet, you will be fine with any shoes that don’t have nails in them. As for those ads? It wasn’t the shoes that helped, unless they had a pouch for steroid needles.

Hell, look at some of their so-called designs these days:

What am, spinning with DJ Jazzy Jeff in the 80’s?

So just do it? Nah, we’ve already done it.

Apple

Apple claims that their computers look better, perform better, are easier to use, and are virus free. Yeah, but they also cost about $1000, plus a few hundred more for the necessary upgrades. For that price, you can get a perfectly capable Windows 7 laptop or PC with a Blu-ray player. When that crashes from all of your web habits, you can buy another one and only then will you reach the same price as that Mac.

It also bothers me that all the hipsters, who swear by non-conformity, have all moved to the Mac. Check out any non-Starbucks coffee house to see what I mean. If you want to be friends with one of these guys and don’t have a Mac, you’ll get some looks. Which is strange, because I thought these guys didn’t conform.

Also, isn’t anyone else tired of these two douche bags yet? They have “hard drives” for each other.

Starbucks

Starbucks was once a personal luxury. For a small premium, you would gain access to a very classy place, populated by made men and women. When you ordered a tall, no foam extra shot latte, you felt like you belonged to some sort of secret club with its own codes and everything. Upon your return the office, co-workers would look to you with envy as you held your cup siren-logo forward.

These days, Starbucks is the new McDonalds. The once modern decor is outdated, the coffee tastes worse and worse, and the clientele includes this person:

I rest my case.