H2Oh No!

Aquaphobia, defined by Dictionary.com as the “abnormal fear of water,” has got to be one of the worst conditions to have, period. Cancer, AIDS, HIV, lupus, are all terrible, terrible diseases but this has to take the cake and has been consistently downplayed by the media. To illustrate how morbid the everyday life of an aquaphobe must be, let us examine a regular day through their eyes:

The alarm buzzer goes off! You slowly open you crusty, cloudy eyes to the morning sun in your apartment. A new day, a fresh start. Slowly you lift yourself up and go to the bathroom. Oh no, yellow water is coming out of my body!

Breathe….breathe…

Okay, everything is fine. After catching your breath, it’s time to get clean for the day ahead. Shit, the water from the shower is pouring down in an uncontrollable rage! First, it’s too cold but then it gets too hot. I am no more in control of this than an armless man of a starved Bengal tiger, you think to yourself. The water pours relentlessly on to your face. Each drop blinds you more than the last. Just have to rinse off my back and I’m done, you whisper in a muted voice.

The next few hours proceed normally. A nice breakfast. NPR in the comfort of your Accord in city traffic. Salutations to your coworkers as you greet them inside your office. But suddenly your boss approaches.

“Hi there, good morning. Can you run upstairs and get a pitcher of water for the Vice President’s meeting?”

Like Lewis and Clark on the great frontier, you put fear behind you to go up a flight of stairs for that pitcher. It’s so big and heavy… Looking behind your shoulder out of sheer nervous gut wrenching stress, you begin to pour water slowly so that it doesn’t splash on your delicate skin. This pitcher is only getting heavier, your mind tells you. With delicate step by delicate step, you bring the full pitcher downstairs, your nemesis never looking away.

“That’s great, thanks. Oh can you bring some ice too?” How many forms does this beast take?

Just as the weather settles after a storm, your day becomes more relaxing. Some spreadsheet work, a few e-mails, two calls, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. You’re almost there! While still on your lunch break, you check the local news and…what’s this…..Dear God, it’s going to rain this afternoon!

On your way to your car after a hectic afternoon, the rain drenches your body like blood on a murdered corpse. Each step however is slightly more comfortable, more convincing, than the last. One more block to go! But then, like the hands of Hades reaching for your very soul, your foot get stuck in a deep puddle. As your eye glances down, it sees nothing put the darkness of the abyss. This is it for me, you say as your mind races. With all your strength concentrated on freeing yourself, you summon one last piece of courage and manage to pull your foot free from the firm grasp of darkness.

You bare the rainy drive and make it home. A nice pizza and some American Idol begin soothing your day. A candle is lit, quickly engulfing the house in a sweet aroma of fresh lavender. The day is almost done.

Your head hits the pillow. The softness of the sheets and the warmness of the comforter remind you of a mother’s embrace. As your hand reaches for the light, a shocking realization hits you like a heavyweight’s punch to a clenched jaw: I’m thirsty.

The Incredible Bulk

More of a good thing isn’t a bad thing. More of a bad thing is an even worse thing. More of an average thing is just…more. What does it all mean? Folks, I’m here today to discuss the social and psychological pressure on all us to become bulk shoppers.

Encouragement to shop in bulk is everywhere, regardless of where you are or what you’re shopping for. The theory humbly presented here is that what seems like a nice deal is really just human civilization driving itself to mass extinction one buy one, get one half off sale at a time.

Do we really need extra stuff? Does it make sense to have another item just because it’s sold at a discount? Let’s walk this valley of the shadow death together to find out. Using what I roughly remember the scientific method being (I went to college but just stared at girls), we will conduct a cost/value analysis of three separate sales to determine if they are worthwhile or if we are being gang raped like a bunch of girls with the Duke lacrosse team (allegedly!). We will then do an overview of what we learned. All of this can then be replicated by young scientist bloggers across the land in peer-reviewed postings. Come on kids, lets jump in! The water is niiiiiiiceeee…..

Deal 1: Sweet Tomatoes Buy 1 Meal + 2 Drinks, Get 1 Meal Free (http://garden-fresh.s3.amazonaws.com/emails/FEB3_all_coupons.pdf).

Sweet Tomatoes is a healthy buffet restaurant, which should mean that the goal is to lose weight or least to eat a healthy, light meal. No drink options are listed on their website and I would never dare eat at this establishment so I’m left assuming that their drinks are either coffee, tea, fruit blends, pop drinks, water, or some combinations of these varieties. For their sake, let’s assume that they only have healthy options like tea and vegetable and fruit blends. First, their website hides how much these drinks cost so it’s hard to know if you’re getting a deal at all. Second, why would you stuff your face with added calories if your goal is to just eat healthy? Isn’t water, which is free, the best bet when going to Sweet Tomato? Come to think of it, why does this place want you to eat two buffet meals by yourself? That doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

Deal 2: Victoria Secret’s Buy 3 Panties for $30 Special (http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=GJ-195766&page=1&cgname=OSSALDLSTHR&rfnbr=2946)

Victoria’s Secret is currently offering it’s lace-trim cheeky panty (their name, not mine) for $16 a pair or for an unbelievable $30 for three pairs. If you’re like me ladies, you probably change your underwear at least three times a week so likely see some potential value in this deal. However, is $16 a reasonable price for one pair or did Victoria’s Secret jack up the price so that you think you’re getting a great deal by buying three panties? Let’s do the math on the deal: $30 divided by 3 panties comes out to $10 a pair, or a 37.5% discount per pair. As an added bonus, you get to walk to into their store with your hand in your pocket. Eh? Wink. Nudge.

Ladies, yes you can buy the same basic panties at Wal-Mart for $5 a pair but at least at Victoria’s Secret, you are guaranteed that it wasn’t tried on by my ex-girlfriend down here:

Science says this is a winner, which takes us to the final deal in our experiment:

Deal 3: Safeway buy one, get one free deal on Oscar Meyer’s Pizza Lunchables (http://weeklyspecials.safeway.com/customer_Frame.jsp?drpStoreID=1047)

Where to begin…where to begin…Why would anyone even want one of these “meals,” let alone two? According to Safeway.com, you save $1.99 on the deal, but who cares? Parents, is this what you buy for your kids? And you’re getting two?! Do you even know what pizza is supposed to look like? If you’re an adult, can you bare the shame of bringing an Oscar Meyer Lunchable to your office’s break room or cafeteria? Way to cock block yourself for the rest of your career. You can almost hear the office chatter now: “Hey Kathy, do you see Widmore over there eating his baby food? I guess if it’s enough to power his little child’s dick.” It’s a damn grade school meal made of crackers and broken dreams. Either way, let us explore the ingredients list from Kraft Foods (http://www.kraftrecipes.com/products/productinfodisplay.aspx?siteid=1&product=4470002410):

Ingredients: PIZZA CRUSTS - WHEAT FLOUR [ENRICHED BLEACHED WHEAT FLOUR [FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMINE MONONITRATE, RIBOFLAVIN, FOLIC ACID], WHET FLOUR), WATER, SOYBEAN OIL, GLYCERINE, SUGAR, CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: YEAST, VITAL WHEAT GLUTEN, MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, SALT, SOY LECITHIN, GUAR GUM, CAROBOXYMETHYLCELLULOSE, DATEM, CALCIUM PROPIONATE, SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE,XANTHAN GUM, ENZYME, NATURAL AND ARTIFICAL FLAVOR, SORBIC ACID. CONTAINS: WHEAT, SOY, PIZZA SAUCE - WATER, TOMATO PASTE, SUGAR, CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF MODIFIED FOOD STARCH, SALT, GARLIC POWDER, ONION POWDER, SPICE, CITRIC ACID, POTASSIUM SORBATE AS A PRESERVATIVE, XANTHAN GUM, NATURAL FLAVOR. PASTEURIZED PREPARED MOZZARELLA CHEESE PRODUCT - PASTEURIZED PART-SKIM MILK, WATER, WHEY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, MILKFAT, SODIUM CITRATE, SALT, SORBIC ACID AS A PRESERVATIVE, ENZYMES, CHEESE CULTURE. CONTAINS: MILK. PEPPERONI FLAVORED SAUSAGE - PORK WATER, PEPPERONI (PORK, SALT, SPICE, DEXTROSE, GARLIC POWDER, LACTIC ACID STARTER CULTURE, SODIUM NITRITE), CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF SALT, DEXTROSE, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, FLAVOR, MALTODEXTRIN, LACTIC ACID STARTER CULTURE, EXTRACTIVES OF PAPRIKA, SODIUM ASCORBATE, SODIUM NITRITE.

For the record, I am highlighting the words that scare me. Also, I’m pretty sure that when they make real pizza in the heart of Italy, they don’t use “Xanthan Gum” or an ingredient called simply “Pork Water.” (Quick side note: that was my nickname in high school.) So are you getting a deal here? Sure buddy, you’re saving $1.99, but only if you somehow convinced yourself that you should shun yourself publically or slowly poison your offspring. There is also the added cost of an extra package of Charmin Ultra to wipe your ass dry after passing all of this shit out of your body.

At the end of the day, what does science tell us about the glory of the buy one, get one free deal? It can have some value but one should proceed with caution. Next time you find yourself in a store trying to decide just how much mayonnaise can fit inside your Ford Explorer, take a moment to evaluate the possibility that one jar may be enough.

After all, why don’t high end, high quality brands like Ferrari or Cartier offer buy one, get one half off deals? Has there ever even been a bulk discount on organic apples? What about doctors? Wouldn’t it be nice to get a free brain surgery if you had a heart procedure? Hell, can you imagine if prostitutes had this deal? Here, let me help:

“Hey baby, how much?”

“Well suga,’ you can have me all night for $200, or I can add my friend Candy here for only $100 more as part of our buy one, get one half off special. Or, you can have both us plus the one without teeth back there for $400, as part of our buy three for the price of two special. Furthermore, if want us to just eat Oscar Meyer Luncheons like babies, we can do that for only $1.99.”

Cover Your Janus!

Friends, would it be okay if the government came into your home to make sure you weren’t doing anything “bad” such as drinking, eating junk food, or not getting enough sleep? I do declare that we called that Soviet-style “Communism” in the 80’s. Further, I argue that most of my fellow Americans would stand against such a practice. After all, freedom is why men like George Washington and Private Ryan put their lives at risk. So then, why is it okay if a company does the same thing?

According to the Houston Business Journal (http://houston.bizjournals.com/houston/stories/2009/03/02/smallb3.html), out of 100 large employers surveyed in New York, fifty six percent monitored their employee’s MySpace and Facebook accounts. The article goes on to cite other examples such as Virgin Atlantic employees being fired for mouthing off online about the airline, and a Florida police officer who was fired for posting a picture on Facebook of himself off-duty in uniform with comments about drinking and female anatomy. A quick web search will yield many more examples of the like.

Sadly, corporate meddling with personal business is nothing new. BusinessWeek (http://www.businessweek.com/debateroom/archives/2008/09/employee_wellne.html) states the following about Henry Ford: “The company’s Sociological Dept.’s 150 inspectors made surprise visits to employees’ homes looking for signs of drinking, gambling, buying on credit, a dirty home, or an unwholesome diet.” If I didn’t know any better, I would assume that Ford had been working for the Germans.

So as my plastic surgeon once said, where do you draw the line? Sure, using a work computer for personal use is not right, Facebook or not. However, if as an American I cannot be punished for writing something negative about the President, I would think that I should be able to write something negative about my employer with the same freedom. As it stands, a potential employer can find this blog, get offended because I used the “f” word (even though in a legal manner and on my free time), and not offer me their CEO position. Grab your pitch forks I say! Let’s start a Tea Party…oh wait, that’s taken? Damn you Glenn Beck!

While I may not have tea, I do have a theory as to the causation of this quandary. Please say hello to Janus:

Janus is the two-faced Roman (the civilization, not my family) for which the month of January is named. Janus represents the duality of nature, including our own. He also gave Batman a hell of a time in the “Dark Knight.” Most importantly, Janus reminds us of our two selves. We have the outer selves, represented in the picture above by the handsome man with a nice haircut and a fancy headband. This is the side we show at our Bar Mitzvah, our best friend’s wedding, and when you go in for that dream job interview.

But then we also have the darker side. The right side of the image above is a disheveled figure. His beard is unkempt and he appears to have ingested too much of a prune juice/Guinness/Valvoline motor oil mix. The fat guy from “The Hangover” would represent this side quite fittingly.

This little beast is our real selves. This is the guy who comes home after work takes off his Armani suit and slips in to a pair of sweatpants so he can better enjoy his Cinemax package. This same person checks out other women when the good side isn’t being watched. When you were a kid, this is the side that tossed peas on the rug when mom wasn’t looking. In high school, this was the side that felt their first breast. (Sorry for that, Florida police).

Neither side is necessarily good or evil and they both ultimately form the multiple personas that make us who we are as a multi-layered organism. Where we go wrong is when we do too much to hide the bearded, Budweiser chugging Janus. If an employer sees a picture of you on Facebook hiding a murder weapon, okay then you may not be a strong candidate for anyone. However, what’s the big deal with a picture of someone, dare I say it, drinking? Jesus loved wine and he would’ve made an excellent employee. In fact, he would’ve been a savior for most companies. What about an employee who wrote posts on Facebook about how much he loved breasts? First, find out if he means chicken or female, and second, congratulate him for his love of fine dining and/or the beautiful miracle that is the female form. If the guy’s resume shows he went to Harvard, you may still want to consider him for your company. Upon further reflection, do we want a society that shuns female breasts?

Colleagues, we have all become so serious. Even damn kids are sipping on afternoon lattes. Facebook and other social networking sites are a new and exciting way for us to connect. Just because someone wants to share a bit of their personal life doesn’t mean they can’t be hired. An employee who complains to his friends about a company should not be fired but asked by his company to elaborate on the problem so that it can be immediately remedied. Going back to the Virgin Atlantic example, I would like to know if the employee’s complain was that the planes are held together by Elmer’s Glue. After all, if you caught your doctor talking to his friends about how you have cancer before telling you first, what would take priority, the fact that he’s violating your privacy or the fact that you just found out about the cancer?

Maybe I made too much of a ruckus over nothing. Now that I think about it, it’s doubtful that employers will be upset over the latest Facebook post about some sheep you virtually fucked on Farmville.