The Incredible Bulk

More of a good thing isn’t a bad thing. More of a bad thing is an even worse thing. More of an average thing is just…more. What does it all mean? Folks, I’m here today to discuss the social and psychological pressure on all us to become bulk shoppers.

Encouragement to shop in bulk is everywhere, regardless of where you are or what you’re shopping for. The theory humbly presented here is that what seems like a nice deal is really just human civilization driving itself to mass extinction one buy one, get one half off sale at a time.

Do we really need extra stuff? Does it make sense to have another item just because it’s sold at a discount? Let’s walk this valley of the shadow death together to find out. Using what I roughly remember the scientific method being (I went to college but just stared at girls), we will conduct a cost/value analysis of three separate sales to determine if they are worthwhile or if we are being gang raped like a bunch of girls with the Duke lacrosse team (allegedly!). We will then do an overview of what we learned. All of this can then be replicated by young scientist bloggers across the land in peer-reviewed postings. Come on kids, lets jump in! The water is niiiiiiiceeee…..

Deal 1: Sweet Tomatoes Buy 1 Meal + 2 Drinks, Get 1 Meal Free (http://garden-fresh.s3.amazonaws.com/emails/FEB3_all_coupons.pdf).

Sweet Tomatoes is a healthy buffet restaurant, which should mean that the goal is to lose weight or least to eat a healthy, light meal. No drink options are listed on their website and I would never dare eat at this establishment so I’m left assuming that their drinks are either coffee, tea, fruit blends, pop drinks, water, or some combinations of these varieties. For their sake, let’s assume that they only have healthy options like tea and vegetable and fruit blends. First, their website hides how much these drinks cost so it’s hard to know if you’re getting a deal at all. Second, why would you stuff your face with added calories if your goal is to just eat healthy? Isn’t water, which is free, the best bet when going to Sweet Tomato? Come to think of it, why does this place want you to eat two buffet meals by yourself? That doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

Deal 2: Victoria Secret’s Buy 3 Panties for $30 Special (http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=GJ-195766&page=1&cgname=OSSALDLSTHR&rfnbr=2946)

Victoria’s Secret is currently offering it’s lace-trim cheeky panty (their name, not mine) for $16 a pair or for an unbelievable $30 for three pairs. If you’re like me ladies, you probably change your underwear at least three times a week so likely see some potential value in this deal. However, is $16 a reasonable price for one pair or did Victoria’s Secret jack up the price so that you think you’re getting a great deal by buying three panties? Let’s do the math on the deal: $30 divided by 3 panties comes out to $10 a pair, or a 37.5% discount per pair. As an added bonus, you get to walk to into their store with your hand in your pocket. Eh? Wink. Nudge.

Ladies, yes you can buy the same basic panties at Wal-Mart for $5 a pair but at least at Victoria’s Secret, you are guaranteed that it wasn’t tried on by my ex-girlfriend down here:

Science says this is a winner, which takes us to the final deal in our experiment:

Deal 3: Safeway buy one, get one free deal on Oscar Meyer’s Pizza Lunchables (http://weeklyspecials.safeway.com/customer_Frame.jsp?drpStoreID=1047)

Where to begin…where to begin…Why would anyone even want one of these “meals,” let alone two? According to Safeway.com, you save $1.99 on the deal, but who cares? Parents, is this what you buy for your kids? And you’re getting two?! Do you even know what pizza is supposed to look like? If you’re an adult, can you bare the shame of bringing an Oscar Meyer Lunchable to your office’s break room or cafeteria? Way to cock block yourself for the rest of your career. You can almost hear the office chatter now: “Hey Kathy, do you see Widmore over there eating his baby food? I guess if it’s enough to power his little child’s dick.” It’s a damn grade school meal made of crackers and broken dreams. Either way, let us explore the ingredients list from Kraft Foods (http://www.kraftrecipes.com/products/productinfodisplay.aspx?siteid=1&product=4470002410):

Ingredients: PIZZA CRUSTS - WHEAT FLOUR [ENRICHED BLEACHED WHEAT FLOUR [FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMINE MONONITRATE, RIBOFLAVIN, FOLIC ACID], WHET FLOUR), WATER, SOYBEAN OIL, GLYCERINE, SUGAR, CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: YEAST, VITAL WHEAT GLUTEN, MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, SALT, SOY LECITHIN, GUAR GUM, CAROBOXYMETHYLCELLULOSE, DATEM, CALCIUM PROPIONATE, SODIUM STEAROYL LACTYLATE,XANTHAN GUM, ENZYME, NATURAL AND ARTIFICAL FLAVOR, SORBIC ACID. CONTAINS: WHEAT, SOY, PIZZA SAUCE - WATER, TOMATO PASTE, SUGAR, CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF MODIFIED FOOD STARCH, SALT, GARLIC POWDER, ONION POWDER, SPICE, CITRIC ACID, POTASSIUM SORBATE AS A PRESERVATIVE, XANTHAN GUM, NATURAL FLAVOR. PASTEURIZED PREPARED MOZZARELLA CHEESE PRODUCT - PASTEURIZED PART-SKIM MILK, WATER, WHEY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, MILKFAT, SODIUM CITRATE, SALT, SORBIC ACID AS A PRESERVATIVE, ENZYMES, CHEESE CULTURE. CONTAINS: MILK. PEPPERONI FLAVORED SAUSAGE - PORK WATER, PEPPERONI (PORK, SALT, SPICE, DEXTROSE, GARLIC POWDER, LACTIC ACID STARTER CULTURE, SODIUM NITRITE), CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF SALT, DEXTROSE, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, FLAVOR, MALTODEXTRIN, LACTIC ACID STARTER CULTURE, EXTRACTIVES OF PAPRIKA, SODIUM ASCORBATE, SODIUM NITRITE.

For the record, I am highlighting the words that scare me. Also, I’m pretty sure that when they make real pizza in the heart of Italy, they don’t use “Xanthan Gum” or an ingredient called simply “Pork Water.” (Quick side note: that was my nickname in high school.) So are you getting a deal here? Sure buddy, you’re saving $1.99, but only if you somehow convinced yourself that you should shun yourself publically or slowly poison your offspring. There is also the added cost of an extra package of Charmin Ultra to wipe your ass dry after passing all of this shit out of your body.

At the end of the day, what does science tell us about the glory of the buy one, get one free deal? It can have some value but one should proceed with caution. Next time you find yourself in a store trying to decide just how much mayonnaise can fit inside your Ford Explorer, take a moment to evaluate the possibility that one jar may be enough.

After all, why don’t high end, high quality brands like Ferrari or Cartier offer buy one, get one half off deals? Has there ever even been a bulk discount on organic apples? What about doctors? Wouldn’t it be nice to get a free brain surgery if you had a heart procedure? Hell, can you imagine if prostitutes had this deal? Here, let me help:

“Hey baby, how much?”

“Well suga,’ you can have me all night for $200, or I can add my friend Candy here for only $100 more as part of our buy one, get one half off special. Or, you can have both us plus the one without teeth back there for $400, as part of our buy three for the price of two special. Furthermore, if want us to just eat Oscar Meyer Luncheons like babies, we can do that for only $1.99.”