H2Oh No!

Aquaphobia, defined by Dictionary.com as the “abnormal fear of water,” has got to be one of the worst conditions to have, period. Cancer, AIDS, HIV, lupus, are all terrible, terrible diseases but this has to take the cake and has been consistently downplayed by the media. To illustrate how morbid the everyday life of an aquaphobe must be, let us examine a regular day through their eyes:

The alarm buzzer goes off! You slowly open you crusty, cloudy eyes to the morning sun in your apartment. A new day, a fresh start. Slowly you lift yourself up and go to the bathroom. Oh no, yellow water is coming out of my body!

Breathe….breathe…

Okay, everything is fine. After catching your breath, it’s time to get clean for the day ahead. Shit, the water from the shower is pouring down in an uncontrollable rage! First, it’s too cold but then it gets too hot. I am no more in control of this than an armless man of a starved Bengal tiger, you think to yourself. The water pours relentlessly on to your face. Each drop blinds you more than the last. Just have to rinse off my back and I’m done, you whisper in a muted voice.

The next few hours proceed normally. A nice breakfast. NPR in the comfort of your Accord in city traffic. Salutations to your coworkers as you greet them inside your office. But suddenly your boss approaches.

“Hi there, good morning. Can you run upstairs and get a pitcher of water for the Vice President’s meeting?”

Like Lewis and Clark on the great frontier, you put fear behind you to go up a flight of stairs for that pitcher. It’s so big and heavy… Looking behind your shoulder out of sheer nervous gut wrenching stress, you begin to pour water slowly so that it doesn’t splash on your delicate skin. This pitcher is only getting heavier, your mind tells you. With delicate step by delicate step, you bring the full pitcher downstairs, your nemesis never looking away.

“That’s great, thanks. Oh can you bring some ice too?” How many forms does this beast take?

Just as the weather settles after a storm, your day becomes more relaxing. Some spreadsheet work, a few e-mails, two calls, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. You’re almost there! While still on your lunch break, you check the local news and…what’s this…..Dear God, it’s going to rain this afternoon!

On your way to your car after a hectic afternoon, the rain drenches your body like blood on a murdered corpse. Each step however is slightly more comfortable, more convincing, than the last. One more block to go! But then, like the hands of Hades reaching for your very soul, your foot get stuck in a deep puddle. As your eye glances down, it sees nothing put the darkness of the abyss. This is it for me, you say as your mind races. With all your strength concentrated on freeing yourself, you summon one last piece of courage and manage to pull your foot free from the firm grasp of darkness.

You bare the rainy drive and make it home. A nice pizza and some American Idol begin soothing your day. A candle is lit, quickly engulfing the house in a sweet aroma of fresh lavender. The day is almost done.

Your head hits the pillow. The softness of the sheets and the warmness of the comforter remind you of a mother’s embrace. As your hand reaches for the light, a shocking realization hits you like a heavyweight’s punch to a clenched jaw: I’m thirsty.