Check You Out!

With the holiday shopping season reaching its peak, I find myself having more and more encounters with a true nemesis of mine: the dreaded cashier.

Since I can’t avoid them as that would be called stealing, perhaps a helpful list of tips would help make my life a little less dreary. Here goes:

-Please, please, please do not engage in long conversations with me. “Hi” and “thank you for shopping with us” is pretty much all I can take. I’ll elaborate as we go further down this list, but this is a critical concept.*

-Do not ask me for an ID. It’s such a hassle to be asked when buying alcohol and lengthens my time at the register. Do you see me wearing a Hollister t-shirt? I know it’s the law but it still blows. Oh and hey kids, if you wear a tie, you’ll never be asked for identification. Well, unless you’re not white. Sorry.

-Do not ask me about the items that I’m purchasing. At a grocery store, if I put those chips on the conveyer belt, they’re either good or someone told me they’re good. As such, it doesn’t really make any sense for you to ask me how they taste. What am I going to say, no but I’m using them later to poison the neighbor? This point is emphasized for those late night trips to the porn store.

-Do not tell me you’re going to school and working part-time. Much like a stripper, you’re either lying or never going to finish so don’t even bother disappointing me and your family.

-Don’t ask me if I want to sign up for your store’s credit card. Like most people, I saw the ad but want to avoid bankruptcy.

-Going back to conversations, it’s strange when they ask how my day was. Cashiers should realize that it could have been awful for all they know and I just came in to buy flowers for the funeral. Probably not a good thing to bring up. What’s even worse is when you ask how their day was and they say it was miserable. What do you say to that? “Hey….uh, buddy…you want to talk about it when you’re off this shift? I guess I’ll just wait here with a crossword puzzle for a few hours.”

If cashier stores across the land could follow these basic guidelines, I’m fairly certain that we would have worldwide nuclear disarmament by this time next year.

*If you’re an attractive female cashier, please disregard all these requests and by all means, make all the conversation you can with me. I need it for my self-esteem.

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All I Want 4 XXX-Mas

Sorry, I apologize if my spelling of Christmas was misleading in any way.

This year there really isn’t one thing that I’d like for the Holidays. Rather, I have a short list of what I don’t want:

-More sickly, infirm Portland Trail Blazers.

For all the talk of the future, it seems clear to me that the current team, even if we just look at its nucleus, is never going to take us to the NBA Finals. I’m not talking about this year or the year after, I’m talking about at any point in the next five years.

If you look at teams like Cleveland and LA, they load their rosters with not only superstars but a strong supporting cast. The Blazers have year after year after year been about “the future.” Whether it was Stoudamire and Sheed smoking the Debbie Greens in a Hummer, or Greg Oden giving “Rip City” a new meaning, crop after crop of players have continued to fail. What do we have to show that our current group is any different? I’ve seen fewer sore backs and wonky knees at my local retirement home than at an average day at the Rose Garden.

Please Mr. Allen, check with your bank if you need to remember how rich you are. Why can’t we get LeBron or Dwayne? You know, actual superstars. Again, if you look at teams that have won championships, their common thread is that they have had superstars. The Spurs had Duncan, the Lakers had Kobe and Shaq, the Celtics had Garnett, Pierce and Allen. The Blazers? We have a guy with a Swiss cheese heart, a frail failure, two or three nobody point guards, six or seven Europeans who are probably here to deal ecstasy , Joel “What Stats?” Pryzbilla, and poor Brandon Roy, who can’t be expected to do it all himself.

-Greeting cards.

Unlike this lady, I don’t care for greeting cards. Am I 90 years old? Does anyone, even at that age, keep cards? If I were to keep cards, when would I re-read them? I assume it would be during a future birthday, for which no one showed up. Sunken in an abyss of darkness, I would chuckle one more time at the bikini model joke before pulling the trigger….sorry, I went too far.

Please friends, if you want to say something to me, text, call or e-mail me. Do not pester me with a card as a substitute for an actual present. Either get me something or just show up empty-handed so I can hate you forever.

-Practical gifts for guys. These can be anything related to grooming such as a new electric razor or a jacket. These gifts were lame when I was a kid and do not get better over time. Practical gifts are not a fine wine or a sharp cheddar at the back of Whole Foods. Rather, they state that the giver hates me and cowers at my inability to take care of basic grooming-related needs. Happy Holidays to you too Pluto dick!

-Christian Children’s Fund donation

Come on, look closer and you can see the wrinkles. These “kids” are probably 45 year olds that also run “Cash 4 Gold” out of the same PO Box.

Dress to Impress

Fat women who wear clothes that are too tight. I realize that they may in fact be buying the largest size they can find and/or afford, but it still bothers me.

Hawaiian shirts when not in Hawaii or at all really. Have you noticed that actual Hawaiians never wear these?

Dressing down for a wedding or a funeral. Really? You can’t put on slacks for grandma?

 

Baseball caps (especially backwards) in classy downtown bars and restaurants. It will become obvious to everyone soon enough that you never went to college so don’t add further insult by wearing a hat from a school you never stepped foot in.

For that matter, baseball caps with stickers on them. This is not “gangster” but a sad attempt at looking cool while being able to return your hat to Just Sports on your next mall trip.

White male office managers who only wear three colors of dress shirts: white, pale blue, and a different type of pale blue. The office is drab enough without your help, thank you.

People who have the dress shirts with the collar buttons. Do you really think the tie will fall off or something without them?

People who wear small glasses for reading and then gaze at you when they’re talking instead of removing their glasses. These pricks always looked pissed and busy, but they’re only the former.

Cell phone holder. This looks terrible. You’re not getting a call dickeroo. If you wear these, you will look like a nerdy Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor.

Male joggers in really small shorts. I know it helps with the actual jogging but if I want to have a gay experience, I’d like for it to at least have a happy ending. Instead, I just see your gross chicken legs while knowing that only a quarter inch of fabric protects me from a view of your shriveled balls.

Naked. As it was covered on “Seinfeld,” there is no good naked if it’s not sexual. Do not grind coffee naked. No one wants to see you re-organize the closet naked. Do not even attempt to surprise your loved one already naked.

Victoria’s Secret was made for this exact reason. If a woman is home waiting for her man in lingerie, that’s a sexy thing. But if she’s waiting for him completely naked, she’s a whore. A fun whore, but a whore nonetheless. Ray’s mom does this to me all the time!

Brand Sycophants

As we all sit at home watching NFL football while eating like gelatinous tapeworms, the pressure of holiday shopping draws near. Before any of us put our pants on to go the stores, let’s first examine some charlatans in the marketplace. These are the brands that are simply overrated and in some cases, unnecessary. My nominees are…

Louis Vuitton and Coach

Luis Vuitton makes purses and handbags that all have the same design on them. These are then sold for hundreds or thousands of dollars. Ladies, guys don’t care what type of purse you have. It just doesn’t matter. Sure, we’ll be spooked if you have a glow in the dark one or if it contains any trace of a zebra pattern, but really doesn’t matter. Hell, if you want to spend a lot of money, put it to use on bras. I’m just sayin.’

I realize that women also buy designer goods to get other women jealous but think about this for a minute. Why would you purposely ruin your own financial well being to piss some off? Do you think they’ll stay that way for long, or just brush it off a minute later? This doesn’t make any bloody sense.

If you look at suitcases, I have to bring up the question of why anyone would pay so much to carry their luggage. If you’re like me, you typically dirty your clothes while traveling. Hell, you may even soil them, especially with all the long lines at the rest rooms. You can carry that crap in a plastic bag.

Ladies, I employ you to save cash on your purse and luggage by buying something at Nordstrom’s for a lot less.

Oh, and Coach is listed here since they just seem to be a cheaper knock off of the same shit.

Acura and Lexus

These are the cars that cretins who don’t know anything about cars purchase when they make it rich. But have you ever sat in one of these? Lexus shares parts with the lowly Toyota Corolla and some Acuras are as cramped as a Honda Fit. Hell, the Acura TSX is simply the European market Honda Accord.  If you have money to spend on a nice ride, get a real car, not the one your accountant recommended.

Euro Honda Accord                                          U.S. Acura TSX

Euro Big Mac                        U.S. Kobe 48 oz. steak

For that matter, why do people buy cars based on re-sale value? If you don’t buy it to begin with, you have made an excellent investment in that area.

Nike

Does anyone care about Nike anymore? When I was a kid, you would get your tonsils removed on the playground if you didn’t have Nike sneakers. Now we have all these other choices: Under Armor, Reebok, adidas, Converse, bare feet (Alberta Street only though), and a ton of designer shoes like Diesel.

Sure, the boys from Beaverton still try with their fancy ads of Lebron James building a pyramid or Michael Jordan dunking on a white version of himself, but again, who cares? These days, I can’t tell these ads apart from the identical Gatoraide ads, which have the same feel and feature virtually the same athletes.

I like to work out from time to time but like most people, it’s not my profession so I don’t care that these guys work so hard to be good and that somehow, Nike helps. I’ve worn Nikes and they don’t do anything more or less than your body can. Unless you have a serious arch issue with you feet, you will be fine with any shoes that don’t have nails in them. As for those ads? It wasn’t the shoes that helped, unless they had a pouch for steroid needles.

Hell, look at some of their so-called designs these days:

What am, spinning with DJ Jazzy Jeff in the 80’s?

So just do it? Nah, we’ve already done it.

Apple

Apple claims that their computers look better, perform better, are easier to use, and are virus free. Yeah, but they also cost about $1000, plus a few hundred more for the necessary upgrades. For that price, you can get a perfectly capable Windows 7 laptop or PC with a Blu-ray player. When that crashes from all of your web habits, you can buy another one and only then will you reach the same price as that Mac.

It also bothers me that all the hipsters, who swear by non-conformity, have all moved to the Mac. Check out any non-Starbucks coffee house to see what I mean. If you want to be friends with one of these guys and don’t have a Mac, you’ll get some looks. Which is strange, because I thought these guys didn’t conform.

Also, isn’t anyone else tired of these two douche bags yet? They have “hard drives” for each other.

Starbucks

Starbucks was once a personal luxury. For a small premium, you would gain access to a very classy place, populated by made men and women. When you ordered a tall, no foam extra shot latte, you felt like you belonged to some sort of secret club with its own codes and everything. Upon your return the office, co-workers would look to you with envy as you held your cup siren-logo forward.

These days, Starbucks is the new McDonalds. The once modern decor is outdated, the coffee tastes worse and worse, and the clientele includes this person:

I rest my case.

Doin’ It and Doin’ It and Doin’ It Well

There is so much pressure in today’s world to constantly be doing something. Listen around you.

“What are you doing?”

“What have you been up to?”

“What did you do this weekend?”

Yes, even, “Did you do her?”

What has society come to? Everyone has this immense pressure to always be doing something from the moment they’re born. “How is the baby doing?” they ask without hesitation in their voice.

Kids in high school today don’t get to be kids. Rather, they become mini pimple-faced, hormone-raged adults. These kids don’t go home to read “X-Men,” they go play sports for two hours and then work a shift at Old Navy. Even if they’re not in any after school activities they’re still going to be busy because of all the homework assigned to them. After all, what kid wants to be seen doing nothing?

When I was a kid, I was never good at sports, math made me shiver, and truth be told, I didn’t do homework every day. No, when I went home, I would sit down with the parents and get yelled at for swearing (fuck!) over the course of three lovely olive oil-based meals. I would then spend thirty minutes watching what Peter Jennings had to say before launching into a two hour NBA Live 2007 marathon. Despite what this blog may show, I turned out okay.

But parents don’t think this will always be the case. If you listen to them, they’ll often say that their kids will find trouble if not preoccupied by a coach and an incoming gang tackle on the field.  However, this doesn’t make any sense. First of all, how many kids would really join  a gang if they weren’t on the soccer team? Really? That would just be their second choice I guess. Second, has anyone even seen a real gang? Sure, some of the big cities like Detroit and LA have real gangs but the closest thing most of America has to a gang is two teens who accidentally show up to school wearing the same sweater. Also, most of America is white and that means that all they can ever be is wannabe gangsters anyway. Relax parents, your kids do not have gang membership on the back of their minds. Let them be kids and do nothing.

You move on in life to adulthood and feel the pressure to keep your social group updated on all that you’re doing. You’re on Twitter and Facebook constantly updating everyone with your day-to-day activities. Has anyone posted that they’re not doing anything or that they’re bored and admiring the intricate details of their ceiling with their second knuckle in their nostril? You can’t do that anymore.

At work, it’s even worse. When you walk into a job interview, you will get dinged if you don’t have experience since you have yet to do anything in the job world. As you build experience, you need to constantly be doing something. A resume is nothing but a laundry list of what you’ve done.

Once you’re in, you only need to do more. How did you do on the sales call? What did you do to improve last year’s quarterly results? Then there’s the constant need to multitask, which is of course doing multiple things at once but not as fun as those with dirty minds would think from this sentence.

I humbly suggest that we need to take our deep desire for doing more, elbow it straight in the eyelid, gut out its endocrine system, and toss it in a Ziplock bag outside of a playground! Why would I make such a hasty and violent suggestion? It’s simple: America and the world need to take a chill pill. We need to slow down and realize that no matter what happens, we’re all ending up dead. Of course we should try to make the world a better place and have personal accomplishments along the way, but not to the point where you can’t stop to enjoy coffee at the cafe rather than on the go. Or remember your kids’ names. Or take more than three lousy weeks of vacation to see the world. Can you imagine what people from 100 years ago would do if they knew how easily we could travel? Sit in cubes and work on charts, right?

Look at the animal kingdom and you’ll see my point. What does a cat do? Is it always productive? Is a dog? What about a weasel or a cheetah? All of these animals, dumb critters that they are, do nothing and save their energy. That way, when it’s time to work, they’re able to perform at their peak. It’s worked great for millions of years and maybe, just maybe, we could learn from them.

Still not convinced? Well, this is what doing nothing can look like:

Now what was I talking about? I forgot what I was doing…