The Food Pyramid Scheme

Make no mistake about it: we are in a food crisis. A bold claim to make in American at a time when people all over the world are starving, but the threat is real. If you’re like me, you no longer know what you should put in your mouth when walking into a local restaurant, bar, or even grocery store. Put your hard hats on kids, I’m going to take you on a dangerous path to show you exactly what peril we are in.

First, a quick refresher. Here is the current U.S. government food pyramid:

Source: http://www.mypyramid.gov/downloads/miniposter.pdf

Reality however looks more like this:

 

Or worse, it looks like Paul McCartney’s Meat Free Week:

First, I have to ask what the hell the point of the food pyramid is? Am I really supposed to carry a laptop with Excel loaded up so I can count calories and make sure I have the right portions all the time? Can you imagine dating someone likes this? Envision Valentine’s Day with a candlelight dinner that you cooked for your special guy only for him to say, “Oh sorry sweaty! I already met my protein quota for the day. Hey, you don’t happen to have about 2 grams of salt and an apple?” I would pimp slap this person! The pyramid tells us that if I want two pieces of chocolate, I am a failure and thus it is the work of the devil.

Listen, if the food pyramid was a really great concept, then why don’t we tattoo it on fat people’s hands? Every time they reached for another piece of pie the damn pyramid would show them the way to enlightment. A clear exaggeration but my point is that it’s just a ridiculous idea to force down everyone’s throats. People in Europe are not as fat as the Alabama Wal-Mart crowd because they walk and eat in moderation because of a culture that values other things besides e-mail response times and watching “American Idol.” That’s really it, folks. It wouldn’t surprise me if some people reach for that Nestle Crunch Bar as a way of rebelling against the damn pyramid. Hell, let us not forget that the pyramid is a symbol of slavery!

At this point, I want to clarify that this is not an advocacy for junk food binging either. What in the world is going on with mass-produced food these days?! Please watch the film “Food, Inc.” after returning “The Marine 2” on Netflix.

The other day I saw a billboard for McDonald’s claiming they now have 100% beef in their meat patties. What was it exactly that they used to make “burger” patties in the past? Was it an unorthodox mix of cow testicles, recycled Pepto bottles, and Kid N’ Play VHS tapes? Dominos Pizza recently came out with an ad campaign announcing that they finally improved their pizza. The TV commercial actually admits that people criticized their previous pizza for tasting like cardboard. Who approved that line? Sadly, I fear that cardboard is the best ingredient they used.

So now what do we do? Are we supposed to follow the food pyramid? Why is it so different looking now than when I was in high school? Oh okay, maybe we should eat fast and convenient mass-produced food. But wait, that will make you look like this by next week:

Okay, okay, I think I got it then: we should only eat free range chicken and organic fruits and vegetables! Wait, they cost too much and the definitions of what all those terms mean is controversial. As an illustration, check out this link: http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/magazine-archive/2010/january/food/chicken-safety/industry-terms/chicken-safety-industry-terms.htm.

What’s that you say? Oh a chicken can be labeled free range and free roaming even if they were actually kept inside their entire life with the door open for a second so a farmer could pass gas?

Then there’s the issue of cost. A regular apple costs a few cents but has more pesticides than a geriatric ball sack, although it is a bit smoother. An organic apple looks and tastes delicious but costs $6. Hey Buffet, can this kid borrow a few bucks for an organic apple from Whole Foods?

Obviously there is no clear answer. Every person is different. Some people have genetics on their side while others need to work out all day and still gain a pound. Some people are starving and just need a carb or two to survive another night while others have an open checkbook to the freshest ingredients. You have your diabetics, your vegans, and your lactose intolerant (by the way, I don’t stand for intolerance of any kind). America is full of smokers, alcoholics, poor people, rich people, people who have to sit at a desk during lunch, and people who don’t see their desks because they’re out at lunch. Everyone has a unique set of dietary challenges.

We’re at a crisis because we have come to the point of trying to make fat “sexy” and producing entire TV shows dedicated to weight loss. The reality is that the last time fat was sexy was when I last needed $40 from a woman.

Everyone has their own weaknesses, whether it’s a caffeine addiction or a sweet tooth, but the point I want to drive home is that we should all at least take a moment to think about what we’re eating before starting the mastication process. I for one am tired of always checking the elevator weight limit when someone steps in. Okay, that was terrible but we can all do better with our diet, regardless of our current size. Maybe we can’t all take work off to create a potato farm in the backyard, but even a small step like eating a pear instead of an entire Doritos bag, can make a difference.

Sorry, gotta go. Domino’s is here.