Brand Sycophants

As we all sit at home watching NFL football while eating like gelatinous tapeworms, the pressure of holiday shopping draws near. Before any of us put our pants on to go the stores, let’s first examine some charlatans in the marketplace. These are the brands that are simply overrated and in some cases, unnecessary. My nominees are…

Louis Vuitton and Coach

Luis Vuitton makes purses and handbags that all have the same design on them. These are then sold for hundreds or thousands of dollars. Ladies, guys don’t care what type of purse you have. It just doesn’t matter. Sure, we’ll be spooked if you have a glow in the dark one or if it contains any trace of a zebra pattern, but really doesn’t matter. Hell, if you want to spend a lot of money, put it to use on bras. I’m just sayin.’

I realize that women also buy designer goods to get other women jealous but think about this for a minute. Why would you purposely ruin your own financial well being to piss some off? Do you think they’ll stay that way for long, or just brush it off a minute later? This doesn’t make any bloody sense.

If you look at suitcases, I have to bring up the question of why anyone would pay so much to carry their luggage. If you’re like me, you typically dirty your clothes while traveling. Hell, you may even soil them, especially with all the long lines at the rest rooms. You can carry that crap in a plastic bag.

Ladies, I employ you to save cash on your purse and luggage by buying something at Nordstrom’s for a lot less.

Oh, and Coach is listed here since they just seem to be a cheaper knock off of the same shit.

Acura and Lexus

These are the cars that cretins who don’t know anything about cars purchase when they make it rich. But have you ever sat in one of these? Lexus shares parts with the lowly Toyota Corolla and some Acuras are as cramped as a Honda Fit. Hell, the Acura TSX is simply the European market Honda Accord.  If you have money to spend on a nice ride, get a real car, not the one your accountant recommended.

Euro Honda Accord                                          U.S. Acura TSX

Euro Big Mac                        U.S. Kobe 48 oz. steak

For that matter, why do people buy cars based on re-sale value? If you don’t buy it to begin with, you have made an excellent investment in that area.

Nike

Does anyone care about Nike anymore? When I was a kid, you would get your tonsils removed on the playground if you didn’t have Nike sneakers. Now we have all these other choices: Under Armor, Reebok, adidas, Converse, bare feet (Alberta Street only though), and a ton of designer shoes like Diesel.

Sure, the boys from Beaverton still try with their fancy ads of Lebron James building a pyramid or Michael Jordan dunking on a white version of himself, but again, who cares? These days, I can’t tell these ads apart from the identical Gatoraide ads, which have the same feel and feature virtually the same athletes.

I like to work out from time to time but like most people, it’s not my profession so I don’t care that these guys work so hard to be good and that somehow, Nike helps. I’ve worn Nikes and they don’t do anything more or less than your body can. Unless you have a serious arch issue with you feet, you will be fine with any shoes that don’t have nails in them. As for those ads? It wasn’t the shoes that helped, unless they had a pouch for steroid needles.

Hell, look at some of their so-called designs these days:

What am, spinning with DJ Jazzy Jeff in the 80’s?

So just do it? Nah, we’ve already done it.

Apple

Apple claims that their computers look better, perform better, are easier to use, and are virus free. Yeah, but they also cost about $1000, plus a few hundred more for the necessary upgrades. For that price, you can get a perfectly capable Windows 7 laptop or PC with a Blu-ray player. When that crashes from all of your web habits, you can buy another one and only then will you reach the same price as that Mac.

It also bothers me that all the hipsters, who swear by non-conformity, have all moved to the Mac. Check out any non-Starbucks coffee house to see what I mean. If you want to be friends with one of these guys and don’t have a Mac, you’ll get some looks. Which is strange, because I thought these guys didn’t conform.

Also, isn’t anyone else tired of these two douche bags yet? They have “hard drives” for each other.

Starbucks

Starbucks was once a personal luxury. For a small premium, you would gain access to a very classy place, populated by made men and women. When you ordered a tall, no foam extra shot latte, you felt like you belonged to some sort of secret club with its own codes and everything. Upon your return the office, co-workers would look to you with envy as you held your cup siren-logo forward.

These days, Starbucks is the new McDonalds. The once modern decor is outdated, the coffee tastes worse and worse, and the clientele includes this person:

I rest my case.

Doin’ It and Doin’ It and Doin’ It Well

There is so much pressure in today’s world to constantly be doing something. Listen around you.

“What are you doing?”

“What have you been up to?”

“What did you do this weekend?”

Yes, even, “Did you do her?”

What has society come to? Everyone has this immense pressure to always be doing something from the moment they’re born. “How is the baby doing?” they ask without hesitation in their voice.

Kids in high school today don’t get to be kids. Rather, they become mini pimple-faced, hormone-raged adults. These kids don’t go home to read “X-Men,” they go play sports for two hours and then work a shift at Old Navy. Even if they’re not in any after school activities they’re still going to be busy because of all the homework assigned to them. After all, what kid wants to be seen doing nothing?

When I was a kid, I was never good at sports, math made me shiver, and truth be told, I didn’t do homework every day. No, when I went home, I would sit down with the parents and get yelled at for swearing (fuck!) over the course of three lovely olive oil-based meals. I would then spend thirty minutes watching what Peter Jennings had to say before launching into a two hour NBA Live 2007 marathon. Despite what this blog may show, I turned out okay.

But parents don’t think this will always be the case. If you listen to them, they’ll often say that their kids will find trouble if not preoccupied by a coach and an incoming gang tackle on the field.  However, this doesn’t make any sense. First of all, how many kids would really join  a gang if they weren’t on the soccer team? Really? That would just be their second choice I guess. Second, has anyone even seen a real gang? Sure, some of the big cities like Detroit and LA have real gangs but the closest thing most of America has to a gang is two teens who accidentally show up to school wearing the same sweater. Also, most of America is white and that means that all they can ever be is wannabe gangsters anyway. Relax parents, your kids do not have gang membership on the back of their minds. Let them be kids and do nothing.

You move on in life to adulthood and feel the pressure to keep your social group updated on all that you’re doing. You’re on Twitter and Facebook constantly updating everyone with your day-to-day activities. Has anyone posted that they’re not doing anything or that they’re bored and admiring the intricate details of their ceiling with their second knuckle in their nostril? You can’t do that anymore.

At work, it’s even worse. When you walk into a job interview, you will get dinged if you don’t have experience since you have yet to do anything in the job world. As you build experience, you need to constantly be doing something. A resume is nothing but a laundry list of what you’ve done.

Once you’re in, you only need to do more. How did you do on the sales call? What did you do to improve last year’s quarterly results? Then there’s the constant need to multitask, which is of course doing multiple things at once but not as fun as those with dirty minds would think from this sentence.

I humbly suggest that we need to take our deep desire for doing more, elbow it straight in the eyelid, gut out its endocrine system, and toss it in a Ziplock bag outside of a playground! Why would I make such a hasty and violent suggestion? It’s simple: America and the world need to take a chill pill. We need to slow down and realize that no matter what happens, we’re all ending up dead. Of course we should try to make the world a better place and have personal accomplishments along the way, but not to the point where you can’t stop to enjoy coffee at the cafe rather than on the go. Or remember your kids’ names. Or take more than three lousy weeks of vacation to see the world. Can you imagine what people from 100 years ago would do if they knew how easily we could travel? Sit in cubes and work on charts, right?

Look at the animal kingdom and you’ll see my point. What does a cat do? Is it always productive? Is a dog? What about a weasel or a cheetah? All of these animals, dumb critters that they are, do nothing and save their energy. That way, when it’s time to work, they’re able to perform at their peak. It’s worked great for millions of years and maybe, just maybe, we could learn from them.

Still not convinced? Well, this is what doing nothing can look like:

Now what was I talking about? I forgot what I was doing…

Don’t Stop, Don’t Stop!

Did you ever have that moment where you’re driving and all of a sudden you see a hot chick in the car behind you? You look innocently enough through your rearview mirror but then the light turns green and you have to go. But you follow her car using your side mirrors and then she switches lanes and you’re all of a sudden side by side at the next light. Wait, did she just glance at you? Did she flirt with you? Are you flirting with her? Will your wife find out? Is this moral? All of these thoughts are racing through your mind or maybe you’re just glad you paid for the extra large wheels. Then you go to the next light, she makes a left, you think about following her but instead go straight to your 9 am meeting.

The funny thing is that during these encounters you always sort of think that something may happen, but not once will you hear a couple say they met after flirting with each other at traffic lights for twenty blocks.

Dating

Raymusfoote.com’s The Journey blog and Matt’s Corner (matthewdgibson.com) recently posted on dating so I want to share my take as well. Let’s examine the tips we have:

DONT
Throw things at them, namely ice, EVER. Indeed, you should not throw something at anyone. Unless of course you’ve been drinking all night and need to toss the keys in someone’s hands.
Make fun of them. You can make fun of the other person as long as it’s in a playful manner and appropriate. Saying that a girl’s drink choice is “girly” is okay because it’s not a big deal. Calling her more flat-chested than Mother Theresa is not okay. It really is about not crossing the line.

Be stupid. Ray made an excellent point here as well. If you use dated references, ask her to calculate the tip, and/or noticeably drool at the mouth, you have a problem.
Pretend to be someone else. I actually really worried about what Ray does on dates when I read this point. Save that shit for Dateline.
Talk in an accent that you aren't native to. This point also ties into pretending to be someone else. A lot of people think that accents are really popular but don’t be fooled, it’s really good looking people that are popular. After all, Mr. Bean has an English accent and he’s not exactly anyone’s fantasy.
Ask them to Read a book or short story. A creepy tip, asking someone to read for you during a date is not a bright move. Sure, it was a great idea when you were still four years old but we have audiobooks now if you really want someone to read for you.  
Interrupt them continuously. Only do this if you have great stories about the hot sex you and your ex-girlfriend used to have!
Call them a name of a different girl. I’m actually really bad at remembering names because I try to remember boobs first so this one is a bit of a challenge. Luckily, it’s been my experience that you can go on talking for hours without mentioning a name. If you’re confused, use some “Mission Impossible” tricks to get the information you need. Try to look at the driver’s license when she’s asked for an ID or just steal her cell phone when she goes to the bathroom.
Slap them across the face. If you’re a girl and you’re treated that poorly during a date that this is even an idea, go ahead and slap away. Please note that I personally would file a police report for assault. Matthew mentioned that some people even like this. On the other hand, it’s a lot easier to just leave. Plus, so many people watch “Ultimate Fighter” now that you risk getting your arm broken with a quick reversal.
DO
Have a buddy be a stupid alert, just in case you are doing something stupid. This one only applies to Ray. You’re welcome bro!
Be respectful, people like that. Yes, but for God’s sake, don’t bow if you’re dating an Asian girl!
Finish your sentences. This was sort of a weird tip because it’s so basic. Here’s another basic tip: bring your genitals.
Buy them a drink (if appropeate). Buying a drink on a date is good idea, especially since you'll be using the debit card you stole from her wallet when you were trying to figure out her name.
Use their name when talking to them. This list is so lame that this point was brought up again. I’ll take it a point further and discuss what some call “baby names.” On your first few dates, don’t call the other person “babe,” “baby,” “honey,” or “my little loin.” Save these until you have the talk. Once they start, they don’t go away and God forbid that you let one slip in front of your boys.

Goooooooaaaallll!

Goal setting inherently leads to failure. For example, if I set the goal of becoming the U.S. President, one of two things will happen: Either I will be elected and then have to find a new goal to keep me going, or I will not get elected and feel like a failure.

If I set a new goal and meet that one, I will need to set another one. This keeps going until I die. When I do expire, I will likely not be finished pursuing my latest goal so one way or another, I will die a failure.

The best thing to do is to try to fuck as many people with goals as you can. Imagine your conversations then. Some jerk will say they just set a goal to run a marathon or something, and you can then counter by casually mentioning that you just fucked a girl with that same goal just last week. You’ll always come out looking like the higher achiever. 

College

College is weird isn’t it? You have all these classes so it’s almost as if you’re holding five or six jobs. I would be a writer, an English lit expert, a biologist, and a marketing guy. On top of that, I’d have AA meetings. Now that I’m in the real world, my only job is to type numbers in Excel. Huh?!

Dialogue between myself overly inquisitive cable guy.

Me: Hey thanks for coming. Let me know if you need anything to get it all set up.

Cable guy: Oh yeah, no problem. Yeah, I think we’ll be great. We’ll get you up and running in no time. You want the HD too right? It looks SO sharp.

Me: Yeah, I’ll get that. I asked for it when I ordered since I got the TV.

Cable guy: Oh great, I’ll set it up. Hey you ordered the good stuff to eh?

Me: The good stuff?

Cable guy: I’m just bustin’ your balls hoss. You know, the adult channels.

Me: Oh ha ha, no I’m good. You know, I have the wife and kids now.

Cable guy: I can totally hide it on your bill bro. Just give me the good word.

Me: I appreciate it but I’m fine.

Cable guy: Alright, you sweet talked me into it. We’re doing an unadvertised special on those channels. $20 a month extra, gets billed under your broadband Internet.

Me: No, I’m going to politely pass.

Cable guy: Dude, I don’t think you’ve seen some of the things they do on those channels.

Me: No, I’m okay.

Cable guy: Come on I’ll show you (turns on TV to gay sex).

Me: Whoa!

Cable guy: Sorry man! Wrong channel (flips to PBS). Did you see those two? Man, like two over-eager wrestlers.

Me: Yeah I saw it. Listen, I don’t want to be mean but can we move this along?

Cable guy: Yeah sure. But seriously man, you should see the ladies there. Look, I looked up the websites you watch. I know you’re interested.

Me: What?! You looked up the websites I go to? That’s a total invasion of privacy. Plus, I never go to that crap.

Cable guy: Come on man, I need to know who I’m dealing with so we all check. Sorry. But you did go there.

Me: No I didn’t! My wife goes online looking for coupons and sends e-mails, I just use it for work and my son…oh God Zachary!!

Cable guy: …Uh, let me just go ahead and set up your cable.

Me: ….Zachary….

Mysteaks…uh…Mitstakes…Mistakes

Mistakes are the soil in which knowledge grows (almost sounds like it means something).

You know who do things right the first time? Prostitutes.

Oddly, the word “error” can be spelled correctly.

Even Moses made a wrong turn or two.

Let’s Play Dress Up!

Golf is a classy sport because you’re required to wear a nice polo shirt and khaki pants or shorts along with nice shoes. I say we make other sports classier by upping their dress codes as well.

The highly competitive world of bowling is currently for the “Wheel of Fortune” crowd but it can easily draw in some Lexus drivers if they wear tuxedos. Wouldn’t the smooth bottoms of those dress shoes help with the technique anyway? And what about boxing? There’s a sport that’s traditionally been seen as extremely violent. Now put those same guys in nice Armani suits and you’ll truly have a gentleman’s dispute rather than a barbaric confrontation.

Now Let’s Take A Look At The Weather In Your Neck Of The Woods

Everyone likes to talk about the weather at this time of the year.

“Have you seen how ugly it is out there?”

“Boy, it sure is dark.”

“It’s really starting to get cold.”

Are these conversations we need to be having? What’s the point? We don’t know what the weather will be like and we don’t have any control over it (easy global warming people). Why don’t I just go around and make other simple observations instead, for variety’s sake:

“You know, I’m six feet tall. Really.”

“Is that a burrito you’re eating? I’m pretty sure it’s not a taco, esse.”

“Did you know that that it’s November?”

There are exceptions of course, such as serious weather conditions that impact travel. But have you noticed that you only get in conversations about the weather with people you don’t like? These are peasants that have to talk to to please your family, friends, or business partners. Here’s what I wish I had the balls to really say:

“Wow man, look at all this rain.”

“I haven’t seen so much moisture since I made love to your wife.”

“This heat is driving me crazy.”

“I’m perfectly fine and don’t have such weaknesses.”

“Winter sure got here quick.”

“Unlike your last period.”

Anyway, the point is we need to stop talking so much about the weather and more about women or hot cars or the news or anything. Imagine how refreshing it would be to be at a meeting, waiting for everyone to show up, and instead of talking to the only other guy there about clouds, you could share a laugh about the secretary’s hot ass.

Come on people! For God’s sake, would you ever start a date by saying “Um, looks like it’s going to be cold tonight?” Even if you say, “It looks like it’s going to be hot tonight,” you’re still in trouble.

Just a thought.

The Janitor’s Closet

10 ways janitors could commit suicide:

10. Be a janitor and just wait for something to happen. Poverty will likely be the first to show up to your death bed.

9. Answer the question of what all those sprays smell like.

8. Mix and match to create your own super cleaning solutions. Would Windex mixed with Lysol create something that cleans both glass and regular surfaces?

7. Half way into your sandwich, ask yourself if you washed your hands.

6. Stop wearing gloves.

5. Since you probably work nights, take out your broom to the streets and challenge local street hoodlums.

4. Late night office Olympics. If you spray the cleaning solutions from #8 on the ground, your office chair bobsled won’t be able to stop you from going through the 20^th floor office window.

3. Just how hot is that boiler downstairs anyway?

2. If you find just a little bit of leftover coffee in the Starbucks cups in cubicle trash cans and pour it all in one single cup, you have a full, free cup of coffee. Now warm it up and drink. Oh, but first add some of the pills you find in people’s desks.

1. Start a fire and then try to find your way of the cubicle maze after downing a shot of Windex.

Ray Foote

Ray, you need a blog more than anyone else in the world. Right Matt?

Secluded Thoughts by Bruce Wayne

The Joker. Killer Croc. Catwoman. The Riddler. Two-Face. I have beat them all. Numerous times in fact, sometimes even when they teamed up. I’ve even worked with Superman a few times. Gotham City has been on its knees begging for my help on countless occasions from these criminals; a call which I have always answered.

But here I am with my laptop in Wayne Manor trying to review the IRS website with its size 10 font. Alfred is of no help. My accountants did their best but how were they supposed to know? The damn government is missing taxes for certain expenses from Wayne Enterprises. Expenses I’m afraid were used to build my Bat Cave, my Batmobile, the Batwing, the Batcycle, and Robin’s outfit. I owe millions in back taxes now. This will bankrupt my company and destroy my name. Further, it will show the world who I am, which is exactly what a guy like Clayface needs.

How could this happen? Why was I so careless? Will I go to jail? The SEC is after me as well. If they find out that I used company funds for my own personal use, I’m going to jail with Bernie Madoff. All of those criminals will be after me and I won’t be able to hold them off in those cold, lonely cells forever. Ugh, how could I have left Quicken out my Bat cave arsenal?

Actually, wait a minute. Hold the phone. These assholes I always deal with, The Riddlers, the Mad Hatters, they always try to frame me for crimes. Maybe it’s my turn. Yeah, that’s what happened. They plotted against Wayne Enterprises. It was their scheme. How dare they?! You’ve done it again Batman. You’ve done it again.

Yahoo! Buzz Index Reactions

Yahoo!’s Buzz Index has always been interesting because it shows what topics people are talking about at the moment. Let’s sneak a peek as my gym teacher used to say:

A lot of shootings-related stories including the Fort Hood shootings, the execution of John Allen Muhammad, and even the shooting in nearby Tualatin, OR.

Not to take away from the seriousness of these situations, but this makes me think about guns. I don’t own guns because they’re only there to shoot people right?

People who own guns say that it’s for protecting your home? From who exactly? If someone breaks into your house, it’s probably already too late and you’re not likely to have time to get everything you need to defend yourself. So what’s next? The government? Easy my little patriot. Those guys have the police, the army, and nukes so I don’t think your gun will keep you safe.

Then there’s hunting. Why in the world would you hunt when you have delicious, cheap meat available at your local grocery stores?

I get it, people like to hunt deer because they don’t have it at Safeway. Want to know why? Because deer is gross. Only in a backwards state like Wyoming could you take a girl out on a date and serve deer meet and not get, pardon the pun, shot down yourself.

If I were to get into hunting though, do you think they’d let me hunt chicken? I love chicken for it’s tender flesh and light eatin.’ Can I get a rifle and hunt one in the woods? That would be fun. I’d tape a small plastic toy solider gun to his feathers to say he’s armed too.

The only gun I ever owned was the Nintendo light gun that came with “Dunk Hunt” and because of that fact, you don’t see me on Yahoo! Buzz with all these other wackos.

T-Shirt Ideas and Other Disturbances

Recently I had some good t-shirt ideas. Check these out and let me know if you’d like one for that next important event in your life.